Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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