he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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