I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
