he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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