I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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