they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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