Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
