hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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