Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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