she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
