How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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