Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
