I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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