I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The best revenge is premature balding
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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