I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
