I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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