Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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