My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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