It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
