If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize