Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
