Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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