just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
