Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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