This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
