Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
