i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize