girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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