What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
