last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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