I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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