I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
