She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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