Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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