FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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