Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just had sex on a roof
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
