I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My life is pants optional.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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