i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
