fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
