I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
where are my eyebrows?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
