to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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