are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
