I wish you could order shots online.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
