I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
