Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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