I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sobbing to NWA
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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