Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
COCAINE IS GR8
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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