even my farts smell like vagina
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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