we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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