u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
