I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
