Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
