She went from zero to smokin in five shots
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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