my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
