He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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