4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
