I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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